Expanding on the previous post.

So it isn't Friday yet, but I'm posting anyway. Friday is my posting day because it's at the end of the week, therefore if I have to handle anything stressful online- such as trollish comments on my blog, or simply just mustering the concentration to write a post- I can go home and recover from it during the weekend.

Right now I'm stabilized. For me that means I'm not having uncontrollable mood swings, no paranoid thoughts, and no delusions. (I'm not really given toward uncontrollable anything to begin with. I bottle everything up and release tension in writing.) HOWEVER, I still get confused easily. That's the main aspect of my disorder that I'm  handling right now. Being a fairly coherent and calm schizo for me means that the energy I exert toward getting along with others, toward being articulate, toward making sure I don't have "emotional outbursts" (for the people in my life right now, they consider a testy tone an "outburst") of any kind, leaves less energy to plan my weeks and organize myself.

I'm living in a room and board house, and the pressure to conform to their expectations has just been upped without notice. I had just gotten settled in, and thought I knew the rules, and now, seemingly out of the blue, the house manager is "helicoptering" over me.  I  don't understand where this sudden distrust has come from, considering that the previous week had been a fairly good one. I had been able to leave the house at least four times a week to go to my program (I work with a program geared toward getting people with disabilities "on their feet" and self-sufficient), and I had been washing my own dishes and not only doing my assigned chores, but double my assigned chores (by accident).

But now the house manager is behaving as though she can't trust me to follow the rules unless she is constantly and mercilessly on my case about them, and I already have my plate full as it is, without feeling like I can't even go out into the dining room to eat my dinner in peace without someone jumping out of the woodwork to harass me over a stray crumb I leave behind. I've talked to her about this as reasonably and calmly as I can. I told her I'm under a lot of stress right now and I can't handle learning new rules every day, at every turn, especially because I had only just mastered some of the more basic ones. And her response was, "But if I don't tell you right away, you'll never do it."

I have no idea what makes her think that, considering I have not once failed to respond positively to being informed of my mistakes. The whole situation itself might be a set-up having nothing to do with me- because now that I've asked her, however nicely, to please leave me alone for a while, she's free to interpret it as "Calypso doesn't want to follow the rules!"

The entire situation is not only stressful but humiliating, because I'm not a child, much less a "delinquent" one, and yet that's how I'm being treated. It's a sort of double-bind situation that occurs no matter where I go- if I don't ask for help, people assume I have things under control, and that they can expect more out of me. If I do ask for help, I'm "demanding" and need to be put in my place. If I'm "put in my place", my energy goes toward suppressing my anger and humiliation and staying out of everyone's way so that I don't blow up at someone, but people mistake that for "normalcy" and angrily wonder why I can't handle more rules and chores, since apparently I'm not suffering from any mood swings or hallucinations or split personalities or what the fuck ever they assume I have to deal with just because they use 'schizo' as a handy label instead of taking the time to understand it as a complex reality that I have to navigate every day, from within and without. Pressure gets piled on and on, and then if I snap, it's seen as an aspect of my disorder, instead of a justifiable reaction to real situations, and then people start asking nosy and infuriating questions about whether or not I'm taking my meds. There is literally no way for me to "win"- and by win I mean simply find some peace for myself, peace that I need in order to function in other areas of my life. Areas of my life that the manager of the house doesn't see because they take place outside of the house, or in the privacy of my room.

That's why posting is delegated to Friday, and that's also why I don't feel like I can take much part of "legitimate" activism, that is, being up to date on the news, and getting involved in discussions.

Right now, I'm working on moving from a room and board to a better place, one with more privacy and more room for me to do what I need to do to manage stress AND function outside of the house.

I'm talking to the people who are helping me at my program, and they've proven to be willing to help in any way they can, so that puts my mind at ease some more. When my mind is at ease I can focus and plan better.

I've started considering, lately, delegating topics not directly related to Satanism to a different blog.

Friday's post is supposed to be about a more in-depth exploration of how I found Satanism, and how it helped me, and why I remain on the dark path today. I'm also going to talk about my brother a bit, a former spiritual Satanist turned hardcore Christian. I'm going to have to review former posts to see how much I already covered this topic.

Until Friday, then. (For real this time.)