I was talking to a witch today, and it came up that I don't necessarily 'communicate' with my god. And now I'm reviewing, in my head, why that is. I'm fairly sure I mentioned several things on that point before, some of it having to do with the disableist, ubermensch attitude of parts of the Satanic community, and insecurity about the functions of my brain.
It can be incredibly hard to navigate a world that is built for people who are neurotypical, especially because there is so little information that's FOR me, rather than ABOUT me. People who have a mental health diagnosis, people who are neuroatypical/neurodivergent, are told time and time again that we are not the authorities of our own reality. We cannot be trusted with self-interpretation, because our brains are 'wrong'. But where does that leave us? It leaves us totally at the mercy and interpretations of people who cannot be bothered to learn about our experience or sympathize with us as human beings.
This difficulty comes into play in every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to learning (I have a highly atypical way of learning), and religion.
I'm kept distant from Satan because I just don't know what the overall effect of intensive, whole hearted faith will have on my brain. I do not know what the meditations and rituals will do to my brain. Some people have speculated that whole hearted faith is a little like controlled psychosis. So what does that mean for someone for whom psychosis is not a tool, but something that can happen in moments of great stress and deprivation, that can be like a bicycle with no breaks running downhill?
Yet the things I heard, during my formative years as a beginner Satanist, were, "Just do it! No fear! No pain, no gain!" and, "Once you make a commitment to Satan, you must ALWAYS keep it, you must be a warrior, you must observe the holidays, you must give thanks." It was very intimidating.
That's why for me, I believe and yet I don't believe, because I need to keep grounded. I have been doing some very light research and it seems like the chaos magicians and I have a similar attitude about belief: That it's a tool.
(To be continued)
It can be incredibly hard to navigate a world that is built for people who are neurotypical, especially because there is so little information that's FOR me, rather than ABOUT me. People who have a mental health diagnosis, people who are neuroatypical/neurodivergent, are told time and time again that we are not the authorities of our own reality. We cannot be trusted with self-interpretation, because our brains are 'wrong'. But where does that leave us? It leaves us totally at the mercy and interpretations of people who cannot be bothered to learn about our experience or sympathize with us as human beings.
This difficulty comes into play in every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to learning (I have a highly atypical way of learning), and religion.
I'm kept distant from Satan because I just don't know what the overall effect of intensive, whole hearted faith will have on my brain. I do not know what the meditations and rituals will do to my brain. Some people have speculated that whole hearted faith is a little like controlled psychosis. So what does that mean for someone for whom psychosis is not a tool, but something that can happen in moments of great stress and deprivation, that can be like a bicycle with no breaks running downhill?
Yet the things I heard, during my formative years as a beginner Satanist, were, "Just do it! No fear! No pain, no gain!" and, "Once you make a commitment to Satan, you must ALWAYS keep it, you must be a warrior, you must observe the holidays, you must give thanks." It was very intimidating.
That's why for me, I believe and yet I don't believe, because I need to keep grounded. I have been doing some very light research and it seems like the chaos magicians and I have a similar attitude about belief: That it's a tool.
(To be continued)
