Updates, and then exploring vanity.

I've figured out how to change my name. I'm hoping Calypso won't give the wrong idea the way Dominique did. I also changed the name of the blog.

Also, I'm not entirely sure about my opening statement with this blog. Religious oppression and other types of oppression are not the same. Racism and sexism are not the same. Ableism and ageism are not the same. Homophobia and transphobia are not the same. However, a lot of patriarchal ideas were strongly endorsed by the Judeo-Christian religions. They are not the only religions that do this, either. Hinduism seems to have a strong sense of gender essentialism in its lore, and there has been misogyny in Satanism, particularly among the La Veyan Satanists. The point is that religious oppression can both reinforce oppression of the "second sex" and yet misogyny can have nothing to do with religion. Even atheists can be misogynists.

So, I will explore Satanism and feminism, separately when they have nothing to do with one another, and together when it seems like they do.

As for the rest of this post, I was thinking about vanity as a motivation for being an ally.

Vanity can be useful, at first, if it spurs you to go to the right places and read the right material. If you're especially concerned about the way you appear to other people, you might even be inclined to listen when people tell you that you've gone astray.

For the most part, though, it is incredibly shallow and incredibly frustrating for everybody else. The worst offenders I've seen are men coming to feminist spaces and demanding to be worshiped for deigning to be pro-feminist, but I'm sure there are so-called "allies" of every sort who are only in it for the cookies.

I have a sinking feeling that part of my own motivations is vanity, the never ending quest to be a "good person".

It would be infinitely better to be motivated by compassion, and in truth some part of it IS compassion, but I think vanity serves its purpose, at least until greater compassion is possible. As long as I'm aware of what constitutes a "good person"- being someone who listens carefully, who goes out of hir way to read material on important matters, who constantly thinks and questions and tries to learn more- then there is nothing wrong with striving toward that, as, hopefully, the end result would be greater compassion anyway.

The problem with it, however, is how easily one's balance can be upset when their motivation is based on vanity. It may often become more important to maintain an image than to do substantial inner work. That becomes the sort of ally who's more likely to get defensive if they think they're being accused of being racist, who, upon participating in intense discussion where they're failing to put across the image they're hoping to convey, might throw up their hands and give up on being an ally. That's not the sort of "ally" I want to be.

I have a nagging feeling that compassion is not all there is to it, either. Certainly there should be a sense of justice, one that doesn't apply just to me and mine, but to all people. On what is the desire for justice based, if not compassion? Is compassion the basis of all outrage when someone is treated unfairly? I don't know, I just know that there is endless work to be done, that this is something I will be spending my whole life doing, and I'm only glad that I got introduced to these concepts at such a young age so that I have more time to do it.

On apologies.

When you're trying to be an ally, you are going to fuck up. Repeatedly. And you need to know how to handle this with grace- how to handle your guilt feelings, or defensiveness, when you fuck up, how to handle anger that might come your way when you fuck up. I'm going to discuss apologizing.

I've read somewhere, I think it was on Stuff White People Do, that white people tend to say 'thank you' in spades but 'sorry' a lot less often. Remember to not only thank the people you are trying to be a good ally to when they take the time to help you understand- something they are in no way ever obligated to do- but to also apologize when you get it wrong and end up being hurtful or offensive.

Stuff Not To Do (when apologizing)

-Explain that it 'wasn't your intention' to be hurtful/offensive/etc.

-Try to frame the person's reaction as a personal problem.

-Say "I'm sorry if I offended you". No ifs.

-Try to convince people you're a good person, really.

-Try to defend yourself.

-Make a big show of being a martyr with your apology. This is just cookie begging. I have a problem with this myself because it's my 'oh god I'm terrible please don't hate me' reaction.

-Make it all about you, and your reaction to what happened, instead of about the person you've hurt.

Things To Do (when apologizing)

-Be sincere.

-Be sympathetic.

-Keep it brief. This short circuits the temptation to explain yourself, defend yourself, or crucify yourself for cookies. A simple, "I am sorry," will usually do the trick. Even better if you can elaborate on what you're sorry for, so that it's clear you understand where you went wrong.

-Promise to do better.

More to be added to this later!

Fallibility.

genderbitch:

Humans fuck up. Quite often. As activists, many of us like to believe that we do better than most people. But we should all realize that’s often bullshit. And all of us (yes, even you) have gotten an inflated sense of infallibility due to social justice work.
This is bad. This sense makes it tougher to own our mistakes and makes it tougher for us to respond positively to criticism (especially upset criticism as marginalized people are not obligated to be saccharine sweet to fuckoffs who hurt them). We’re also often afraid to look bad. But the fact is, we’ve all done bad things. All of us. And if we don’t own that and work on it, we’ll all be bad, not just look bad.
So reblog with a description of the thing you fuck up on the most and why. Which marginalization axis do you need the most improvement in owning your privilege and the harm you do? Be it transmisogyny, transphobia, cissexism, fatphobia, classism, ableism, culturocentrism, religious hate (like Islamophobia), sexism, etc.
And if you’ve got a tie, mention them both or all three and why.
End it with, I’m Fallible.
<!— Snip — >

Cissexism, ableism, misandry, racism. I don't quite know which I'm worst at.

*Inhale, exhale in deep sigh.*

I'm fallible.