On apologies.

When you're trying to be an ally, you are going to fuck up. Repeatedly. And you need to know how to handle this with grace- how to handle your guilt feelings, or defensiveness, when you fuck up, how to handle anger that might come your way when you fuck up. I'm going to discuss apologizing.

I've read somewhere, I think it was on Stuff White People Do, that white people tend to say 'thank you' in spades but 'sorry' a lot less often. Remember to not only thank the people you are trying to be a good ally to when they take the time to help you understand- something they are in no way ever obligated to do- but to also apologize when you get it wrong and end up being hurtful or offensive.

Stuff Not To Do (when apologizing)

-Explain that it 'wasn't your intention' to be hurtful/offensive/etc.

-Try to frame the person's reaction as a personal problem.

-Say "I'm sorry if I offended you". No ifs.

-Try to convince people you're a good person, really.

-Try to defend yourself.

-Make a big show of being a martyr with your apology. This is just cookie begging. I have a problem with this myself because it's my 'oh god I'm terrible please don't hate me' reaction.

-Make it all about you, and your reaction to what happened, instead of about the person you've hurt.

Things To Do (when apologizing)

-Be sincere.

-Be sympathetic.

-Keep it brief. This short circuits the temptation to explain yourself, defend yourself, or crucify yourself for cookies. A simple, "I am sorry," will usually do the trick. Even better if you can elaborate on what you're sorry for, so that it's clear you understand where you went wrong.

-Promise to do better.

More to be added to this later!